Welcome to the Honest Walk

4:45am alarm violently blares. My eyes aren't even half opened and already, I hate the day. How am I expected to put God first in everything I do when I just want to climb back under the covers and watch 20,000 endless hours of Desperate Housewives or Love is Blind? I know it's excessive and definitely NOT what the Lord would want from me, but what do you do if that is all you can do? The amount of times I have asked myself that is almost embarrassing.

Instead, I put my feet on the floor and grumble to the bathroom. I cuss in my head while I brush my teeth. I ask God why I have the job I do. I secretly pray for another pandemic so I can stay home and not come face to face with another living soul. My husband calls me cranky and tells me to cheer up.

But it's not that simple. When we know the aggravation and struggles we are going to face, it literally takes an act of God to fake a smile. At least it does for me.

How many of you can relate? That feeling of being torn in a million directions. Always doing everything in the world for everyone else and nothing for yourself. Losing that spark; your identity. If you continue that way, you will burn out, and it won't be pretty. I speak from experience.

So, I bite the fricking bullet and put on my seatbelt and drive the dreadful hour to work praying for patience and the hope that I can reach just one kid so my job doesn't feel like a complete waste.

It takes me at least 30 minutes before I turn on my worship music and force myself to listen to some " happy" or "grateful" worship song that tells me I should be full of joy for Lord. Don't get me wrong, I want to. I love Jesus with all my heart- I have since I was a little girl. But as a woman, mother, and teacher, and someone who has lost way too many loved ones in their life, this is an honest struggle. Bitterness. Lack of joy.

Believe me, I have been lower than low- filled with hate and sorrow. I've thrown plenty of pity parties. I've broken plenty of dishes. I've thrown plenty of cell phones. I am not proud- but I am human.

A few months ago, I was at my lowest. No one knew. I am sure there are many of you walking around feeling the same while your loved ones and friends are oblivious. It is extremely unfortunate, but as much as I grumbled about this lack of joy for life and the Lord, I told myself one thing over and over: Jesus cares. He knows what I am going through. He knows what's happening and why I am filled with the hate and angry, and until he is ready for me to to be different, I will learn to be content in this awful season. I will learn to be obedient (which is the true sign of your love of God) and trust that he loves me in all my failures and flaws. All my grouchiness and crankiness. All my ungratefulness and self loathing. Does Jesus want us to live this way? No, of course not. But he wants us to know he loves us unconditionally whether we have joy in the moment or shake our fist and shout at the sky.

He loves us. Oh, how he loves us. What an amazing gift. John 15:9 says " As the father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love." Yes, it is that simple.

I pray for those of you that feel lost, exhausted, unappreciated, unheard, angry, bitter and depressed. May the Lord meet you where you are- at your lowest- and that you feel his love. That you know God has a plan for you and it will be revealed when he feels you are ready. I pray you have the strength to remain patient and obedient while going through these storms, and that you always keep your eyes fixed on him.  In Jesus name, I pray. Amen.

Reminder: You are loved beyond measure, so no matter how much anger or bitterness you may feel down in your soul and all the ugliness you might feel inside and out, you've NEVER been more loved than you are right now- Maverick City Music.