Hard Heart

Woke up this morning with a hard heart. I wasn’t feeling well and was slightly irritated (to say the least) that I had made a commitment to deliver meals to homebound elderly. Yes, I know I sound like a monster! When I volunteered for this position at the beginning of the summer, I was so excited about helping others and doing something that was meaningful and would glorify God. So, why am I grumbling about it now? The answer is simple: I am a selfish human being. I WANT to help others, but only when I feel like it. There’s that whole commandment you know, “love thy neighbor” well I seriously struggle with that one!

In that particular moment I’m always excited and want to do everything for everyone, until the time comes. Then I am resentful for offering and just want to climb back into bed with the covers over my head for the rest of the day. Unfortunately, this has really become an issue in my daily life. I am the same way when it comes to my job. When my alarm goes off at 4:45 am, I am not one who simply hits the snooze. Oh no, I say a cuss word and throw my phone on the floor angry at myself for becoming a teacher instead of a lawyer like I secretly wanted.

So, I get dressed angry, I brush my teeth angry, and I throw my lunch in my teacher bag angry, like the choices I made in life were my turkey sandwich’s fault! But it’s always the same routine. I back my car out of the driveway narrowly missing my neighbor’s ankle-biting dogs and prepare myself for the hour-long ride to hell- of course I am exaggerating, but at that moment I always feel like when the bell rings, I will be greeted by 30 demons just as angry as I am.

This is NOT happiness to me, but as I drive to work or any other commitment I make, I sit there with a sour face and shout to the Lord to PLEASE remind me where my joy comes from. AND he always reminds me it is from him and him ALONE! Then suddenly my face always begins to soften and my heart starts to warm. I begin to remember why I am a Christian: I love our Lord and truly want to serve others.

By God’s grace we have been set apart from worldly pursuits of greatness. We are called to serve others with the grace and love that God has entrusted to us. God rewards those who give their time, money, and talents to help others in need. In God’s upside-down Kingdom, those who serve are the greatest of all, reflecting the character of Jesus himself, “who came not to be served but to serve” (Matthew 20:28).

“Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.” (Philippians 2:4-8).

When I read these scriptures, it reminds me of my favorite Christian song, My Jesus, by Todd Agnew. He sings:

Which Jesus do you follow?
Which Jesus do you serve?
If Ephesians says to imitate Christ,
Why do you look so much like the world?

Cause my Jesus bled and died
He spent His time with thieves and liars
He loved the poor and accosted the arrogant
So which one do you want to be?

I already know the answer to his question. For me personally, I want to be like My Jesus. So, I may begin whatever task that is required for the day bitter and sulky, but I always try to end it feeling humble, grateful, and, although it will never be enough, somewhat satisfied. Satisfied that I served others and hope that I made him proud.

If you struggle with this too, read those scriptures and just try and remember where our true joy comes from- our lord and savior Jesus Christ.